Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! This is a year of change, I believe. It's started already since I lost my job yesterday. I'm hoping that I can see the positive in this pretty soon but right now it's not real apparent.

I started the injections this week as well. Its kinda trippy to give yourself a shot in the stomach. :) It feels so unnatural. I have noticed a difference in my emotions especially since I started them also I'm achy and I usually get a headache every afternoon. I'm told this is all normal. Yippee for me.... Next week I go in for training on how to give myself the next set of injections. That's freaking me out a little since I got directions over the phone for the ones I'm doing now but I have to take a class for the HCG injections. How bad are these things??

We are still struggling financially but we have seen some miraculous things there too. Todd found a transmission in the loft of his building that he paid $50 for and was able to sell it for $1500. It was amazing!! We also had a friend loan us the money we needed for the IVF though Todd is trying to sell as much as he can so we don't have to borrow the whole amount. There has been some great breakthrough for Todd in being able to let stuff go and we are learning to trust in a whole new way because of it. God is doing amazing things in our little family but with change there is always a little pain. I'm working through that part now and hope that it's done soon. :)

Well I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year! Things are going to start happening a lot faster after the first of the year so I will be blogging more often. Much love to you all,

Nikki Miller

Insanity

Why do I feel like I'm going crazy?! I'm only taking birth control at this point but my hormones are going crazy. We will need some extra prayer from now on as I start taking the injections on Sunday. I so was hoping that I could come through this without feeling crazy but I don't know now. It's like amped up PMS but just the emotions for now. The doctor did say that by the end of the injections I will feel more physical symptoms rather than just emotional. Yay....  Well I just wanted to remind you all to be praying for us. We are still working on the financial piece of this too, but there is some hope in that. :)

Love to you all...
Nikki

Change...

Well here I am again sitting on a stool in front of my computer with a cup of tea close by. I've been thinking about what to blog for a couple of days now and I still don't know. I mean do you want to hear about how emotional I am today or would you rather hear about how stressed out Todd is this week. To say that this process is difficult is a major understatement. We are both constantly second guessing our decision to take this journey. We know it's right but still....
Are we going to be able to come up with all $12000 or are we going to have to stop midway through because we just can't get it? Are we sure we want to change our whole lives now? Are we going to be good parents? Is this even going to work?  Etc., etc.,etc..
We try really hard to maintain faith and hope in this whole process but sometimes it's hard. We get tired and down and things don't look as bright as they did a couple of weeks ago. This is real life and it isn't always sunshine and candy canes.

Well instead of going on and on about how blue I am today I think I will close this post and try again tomorrow. To all my friends and family reading this, there isn't anything wrong with me I'm just emotional due to hormone changes. I will be better tomorrow, I promise. :)

Check this out...

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          src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/2781968/IVF"
          alt="Wordle: IVF"
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I think you can follow this link and see the cool Wordle I made. It's pretty fun! 

Test results

Well here I am again. Since I last posted I have received my blood test results and thought I'd share with you. Aren't you lucky!! I had no idea how long it would take to get the results back and really I had forgotten about them. When the nice lady from the phone called she started her conversation with, "Todd's test results came back good and everything looks fine with him but yours.... (insert long pause here) showed a couple of things." My heart was racing and I thought I was going to faint. You see, the tests were for HIV, all the Hepatitis viruses, and STD's. To say I was freaking out is an understatement. The nice lady went on to say, "you are negative for all the hepatitis viruses, HIV, and STD's but it seems that you have not been properly vaccinated for rubella. Also your blood type is A-." I was nearly undone with relief! Basically what this means is that when I next go into the office they will give me a vaccination. Easy Peasy!! As for the A- blood type I'm not entirely sure why this is a bad thing. I know it has something to do with excessive bleeding while pregnant but I still need to do some research. I'm really thankful they found out this before I got pregnant so they can monitor me more closely once I do get pregnant.

So in other news... I was approved for health insurance last week. Yay! I was really stressing about that so it's a load off to know it finally went through. Thank you Jesus!! We could really use your prayers right now as well.  Todd and I both are experiencing a lot of stress at the moment. Todd is trying to figure out how to pay for all this and I think mine is all emotional crap. Neither one of us is dealing with it very well so please pray for us.

Well I'm keeping it short today as I have a ton of things to do so I will talk to you later. Love to you all...

Just a little stress...

Well it's that time of year again. Mona's Magical Moments is this weekend. I have been scrambling all week to get ready and so far I am still very behind. I even considered not doing it at all. The biggest reason for this is I am stressed to the max. I don't know when I noticed how stressed I was getting but last Tuesday I darn near had a meltdown. Thankfully I had two friends there to help me talk through what I was feeling. Thank you God!! At one point I was quitting my job, pulling out of MMM, and going home to hibernate. :) You think I'm kidding but I'm so not. By the end of the day I knew I needed to talk to Mona and I had already talked to my boss so all was somewhat well again. This whole episode has me kind of worried though. It's just the beginning of our journey through IVF and already I'm stressed. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this? Usually I just talk a lot until I'm not feeling so much stress. I don't think that's going to work so well for this process. I've been spending a lot more time in the word and that's helped a lot but I think I also need some physical movement. I have been advised to not do anything with high impact so jogging is out. If you have some ideas send them my way please.

Well I don't really have anything else to share other than asking for patience from all my friends as I navigate my way through this. I will try to leave you with a couple pictures of stuff me and my mom are taking to the bazaar. Love to you all...

 Meet Mrs. Snowman! Come meet the rest of the family at Mona's Magical Moments.

Honey Whole Wheat Bread

My turn...

Well it was my turn for the exam. I went in for a trial transfer and some blood work this week. It went really well but man did it hurt.

First off, they tell me to come in with a full bladder. The nice lady on the phone said to empty my bladder (go potty) about 30 minutes before my scheduled appointment then drink about 24oz. of water on my way in. I followed the directions to the letter. The problem was that I didn't get in right at my scheduled time. They were running about 30 minutes late. Oh My Goodness!! I had to go potty so bad. The doctor nicely asked if I would like to empty a little out before the procedure to make it more comfortable. I kindly told him that I would not be able to stop once I started so he better hurry. He thought I was funny! I didn't think he was funny. The first part was just like a pap so not a big deal but then they started pushing on my bladder. That was just cruel if you ask me. I think the doctor was getting a little worried when I kept telling him to hurry. Finally the nurse says "all done" as she pulling me upright and wrapping the gown around me. She knew it was getting critical. She rushed me down the hall to the bathroom and wouldn't you know it, it was occupied! I almost cried right there in the hall. Thankfully the nurse was a little more together than I was and quickly dragged me around the corner to another bathroom. Ah blessed relief!! The next procedure hurt like hell.

Let me spell this out for you. The first procedure was a trial transfer. It basically enabled the doctor to see how fast and easy he could implant an embryo into my uterus. Everything went smoothly. Yay God!! The second procedure was, I don't know the name, but he needed to look at the interior walls of my uterus. Ouch! First of all he put saline solution in my uterus. My uterus didn't like it apparently because I immediately got cramps. Ugh. Then the doctor tried to insert a camera all the way into my uterus. I did warn you that this might get graphic. I'm laying there watching this on the monitor (in color mind you) and thinking, gross! Todd on the other hand thought it was cool. Yes for all of you doubters out there, my husband was there with me and I didn't even make him go. He volunteered. I don't think he'll do that again. :) Anyway, I digress. So the doctor is trying to get from the cervix to the uterus and he keeps getting stuck in the middle. Finally he figures out that there is a 90 degree corner that the camera thingy can't seem to get around. He gets the bright idea to straighten said corner so to make it easier for the camera to get through. Not a good plan!!! Oh My Goodness!! That hurt! I even cried a little which greatly alarmed my husband, but the nice part of dr.s plan was that the cramping eased a lot when he did that. Transferring one pain for another not my idea of a good time. Well the good news was everything looked good. I still say gross. This is the point when the doctor reads my chart and discovers that he forgot to do something during the first procedure. Up I go and we all trek back to the first room so he can do an ultrasound from the inside. He had to look at my ovaries and make sure they are working properly. Thankfully my bladder was full again!!! I'm telling you, me and water have a love hate relationship. Again, good news was that everything is working properly and looks healthy. Yay God!!

This whole thing really released me from some fears that I had been harboring for years. What if the reason we can't get pregnant had nothing to do with Todd? What if something is wrong with my baby maker? What if, What if, What if?????? Just this week in our home group we were challenged to change our negative what if's to positive what if's. Coincidence?! I think not. I used that teaching all week and I know I will use it though-out this journey. The conclusion to this weeks appointment was that we are definitely going through with this. The nice lady from the phone was there and explained our calender to us. She also explained all the medication I would be taking and the cost. Bless her, she even gave us some donated meds that saved us $200.00. I have to say that I really love all the people I have had to deal with so far in this office. They are so nice and calm and willing to work with us.

That's all I have for now, Love to you all...

A miracle!

There has been a miracle in our house! No joke Todd is the only man in history that gets better with age. His sperm count has gone UP!! When we originally had a semen analysis done in '98 he had one viable sperm. The poor little guy was lonely. Well as of this month he has 600,000. If that's not a miracle I don't know what is. :)

Todd recently got up in front of our whole church and shared a little of his history. He spoke of getting shot and what the doctors spoke over him. See my last blog post if you don't know what I'm talking about. He laid it all out there for everyone to see, so to speak. He asked for prayer for us as we begin our IVF journey. I was amazed by the response we got. We belong to a great tribe of people let me tell you. Such support!! I will need it in the coming months I'm sure. One thing I want to clarify, the last time we went to the fertility clinic, Todd had an extensive exam. They were looking for reasons why his sperm count would be so low. They couldn't find any. There were no blockages or missing pieces. Everything looked healthy and in working order. I firmly believe that the reason is spiritual. Something happens when we speak negative (or positive) things over other people or even ourselves. It is a scientific fact that positive self talk has a physical response in ourselves and others. So why wouldn't negative talk. I believe that something in the spirit realm is released by our words. I'm going to leave it at that because I really don't want to preach or even start a debate about this. We have started speaking increase over Todd's sperm and it worked!

So that was an encouraging start to our journey. We will be beginning the process in December which means that we will be implanting in January. It's a little (or a lot) scary to think about all that I have to go through in this. I would really like your prayers for the next few months. The hardest part of all of this is, where is the money coming from?! This procedure is not cheap and not one part of it is covered by insurance. So to speak plainly, we have to come up with about $12,000.00 by January. It's November. God help us!! For me this is where faith comes in. I'm so scared that Todd will freak out about the money and want to quit half way through. He hasn't even hinted that he will be that way but, it's a weak point for me. He keeps telling me how excited he is that we are actually going through with it this time and yet I doubt. I don't think this has anything to do with Todd but it's a weak point of mine that Satan is poking at.

Well that is all I have for now, I will post another in a couple days as I have had a doctors appointment to share about. Love to you all...

History 101

Well hello there.... It's been over a year since I last blogged. It doesn't surprise me, I knew this was going to take some time to get into. But... I have found a purpose to my blog. Woohoo!!! As many of my friends and family know we are beginning the IVF process and I thought it would be nice to blog about our journey. I must warn anyone reading this though, it might get graphic. I'm just saying.....

Here's a little history lesson for you to give you some background of why we are doing Invitro fertilization. When Todd was 7 years old he was shot with a .270 hunting rifle at close range. They were in the kitchen of a friends house and one of the boys found the loaded rifle. He swung it around pretending to shoot his friends and it went off. It was an accident of epic proportions. Todd remembers struggling to get down the back stairs of the house carrying his "insides" because he wanted to die beneath a tree not in a house. He was seven! His next clear memory was of his mother screaming from several yards away because the paramedics wouldn't let her close to him. He spent 42 days in the hospital and lost almost 100 lbs.. He was a hefty boy before the accident and skin and bones after. He clinically died twice before getting to the hospital and once there underwent extensive surgeries. He lost 20 ft of his large intestine and several ft of his small intestine. There was much more damage than I am going to list here but trust me when I tell you it was a miracle he survived. Two significant things were spoken over him at this point: 1) he was told he would not live to 25 years of age, 2) he would not father children. We believe in the power of the spoken word and believe that some significant spiritual things happened when the doctor said these things.

Fast forward to 14 years ago... Todd and I got married. Ah, wedded bliss. Todd was very clear before we got married that he would not be able to have kids and still I chose him. I just knew that my God was big enough to heal him and give me the family I desired. It has been a long rode. I have battled his unbelief, my doubt, my family's doubt, the doctors prognosis, satan's plan, and who knows what else. It wasn't until Todd started fighting beside me that we actually saw things start to turn around. We have attempted to adopt multiple times and they have all fallen through. We have been to the fertility clinic twice but could not agree on the course of action to take. We have taken the course to become foster parents 3 times but couldn't go through with it. We have even contemplated not ever having children to call our own. Every time one of these things fell through or didn't work out we were reminded of who God is and what his plan for us was.

Early on in our marriage I was really struggling with the idea that I would never have a child of my own when I very clearly heard God say that we would have a family. I don't know that I have ever heard the voice of God like that before or since. It was so clear and I KNEW who it was. Yes I know that not everyone who reads this is going to agree or believe this part but... it's my story and I know how it went. You're just going to have to trust me. :-) We have had random people come to us and tell us that they believe they're supposed to give us a scripture. Every one of the scriptures has been about people having kids. EVERY ONE!! Keep in mind that these people didn't know us at all. They really were just random people we saw at church. You have to love a God who loves to reminds us of who he is.

Well like I said, it's been a long road. A road paved with tears and sorrow as month after month I don't get pregnant. I've watched my friends build their families, all three of my siblings build their families, and numerous cousins create numerous second cousins. I've cried when told that so and so was pregnant and they were mad about it. Or when unwed mothers complained that they weren't really sure they wanted to keep the baby because it was really going to cramp their style. I've been mad at God. I've been mad at Todd. I've been mad at me. I've also done a lot of repenting for all that mad. :) The bible says that God will give us the desire of our heart if we delight ourselves in him (paraphrased). I know that that is truth and I have learned to stand on those truths to get through all of this. I have also learned how to give up the desires of my heart and allow God to replace them with his desires for me. I still want to be a mom.

Ok that brings us to the purpose of this blog. Todd and I have decided to do IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). We are ready for this. I will be using this blog to document the journey and everything that goes with it. Lucky you!! I will try not to be too graphic but come on, do you know what they will be doing to me?! I would greatly appreciate any and all prayers that you might choose to lift up for us as we go through this. I realize that Todd is going through this too and it might sound like it's all about me, but this is my blog so it is all about me. :) Todd can get his own blog. So I hope you will check back and follow my journey and maybe even share one of your own with me. Love to you all...