Insanity

Why do I feel like I'm going crazy?! I'm only taking birth control at this point but my hormones are going crazy. We will need some extra prayer from now on as I start taking the injections on Sunday. I so was hoping that I could come through this without feeling crazy but I don't know now. It's like amped up PMS but just the emotions for now. The doctor did say that by the end of the injections I will feel more physical symptoms rather than just emotional. Yay....  Well I just wanted to remind you all to be praying for us. We are still working on the financial piece of this too, but there is some hope in that. :)

Love to you all...
Nikki

Change...

Well here I am again sitting on a stool in front of my computer with a cup of tea close by. I've been thinking about what to blog for a couple of days now and I still don't know. I mean do you want to hear about how emotional I am today or would you rather hear about how stressed out Todd is this week. To say that this process is difficult is a major understatement. We are both constantly second guessing our decision to take this journey. We know it's right but still....
Are we going to be able to come up with all $12000 or are we going to have to stop midway through because we just can't get it? Are we sure we want to change our whole lives now? Are we going to be good parents? Is this even going to work?  Etc., etc.,etc..
We try really hard to maintain faith and hope in this whole process but sometimes it's hard. We get tired and down and things don't look as bright as they did a couple of weeks ago. This is real life and it isn't always sunshine and candy canes.

Well instead of going on and on about how blue I am today I think I will close this post and try again tomorrow. To all my friends and family reading this, there isn't anything wrong with me I'm just emotional due to hormone changes. I will be better tomorrow, I promise. :)

Check this out...

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          src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/2781968/IVF"
          alt="Wordle: IVF"
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I think you can follow this link and see the cool Wordle I made. It's pretty fun! 

Test results

Well here I am again. Since I last posted I have received my blood test results and thought I'd share with you. Aren't you lucky!! I had no idea how long it would take to get the results back and really I had forgotten about them. When the nice lady from the phone called she started her conversation with, "Todd's test results came back good and everything looks fine with him but yours.... (insert long pause here) showed a couple of things." My heart was racing and I thought I was going to faint. You see, the tests were for HIV, all the Hepatitis viruses, and STD's. To say I was freaking out is an understatement. The nice lady went on to say, "you are negative for all the hepatitis viruses, HIV, and STD's but it seems that you have not been properly vaccinated for rubella. Also your blood type is A-." I was nearly undone with relief! Basically what this means is that when I next go into the office they will give me a vaccination. Easy Peasy!! As for the A- blood type I'm not entirely sure why this is a bad thing. I know it has something to do with excessive bleeding while pregnant but I still need to do some research. I'm really thankful they found out this before I got pregnant so they can monitor me more closely once I do get pregnant.

So in other news... I was approved for health insurance last week. Yay! I was really stressing about that so it's a load off to know it finally went through. Thank you Jesus!! We could really use your prayers right now as well.  Todd and I both are experiencing a lot of stress at the moment. Todd is trying to figure out how to pay for all this and I think mine is all emotional crap. Neither one of us is dealing with it very well so please pray for us.

Well I'm keeping it short today as I have a ton of things to do so I will talk to you later. Love to you all...

Just a little stress...

Well it's that time of year again. Mona's Magical Moments is this weekend. I have been scrambling all week to get ready and so far I am still very behind. I even considered not doing it at all. The biggest reason for this is I am stressed to the max. I don't know when I noticed how stressed I was getting but last Tuesday I darn near had a meltdown. Thankfully I had two friends there to help me talk through what I was feeling. Thank you God!! At one point I was quitting my job, pulling out of MMM, and going home to hibernate. :) You think I'm kidding but I'm so not. By the end of the day I knew I needed to talk to Mona and I had already talked to my boss so all was somewhat well again. This whole episode has me kind of worried though. It's just the beginning of our journey through IVF and already I'm stressed. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this? Usually I just talk a lot until I'm not feeling so much stress. I don't think that's going to work so well for this process. I've been spending a lot more time in the word and that's helped a lot but I think I also need some physical movement. I have been advised to not do anything with high impact so jogging is out. If you have some ideas send them my way please.

Well I don't really have anything else to share other than asking for patience from all my friends as I navigate my way through this. I will try to leave you with a couple pictures of stuff me and my mom are taking to the bazaar. Love to you all...

 Meet Mrs. Snowman! Come meet the rest of the family at Mona's Magical Moments.

Honey Whole Wheat Bread

My turn...

Well it was my turn for the exam. I went in for a trial transfer and some blood work this week. It went really well but man did it hurt.

First off, they tell me to come in with a full bladder. The nice lady on the phone said to empty my bladder (go potty) about 30 minutes before my scheduled appointment then drink about 24oz. of water on my way in. I followed the directions to the letter. The problem was that I didn't get in right at my scheduled time. They were running about 30 minutes late. Oh My Goodness!! I had to go potty so bad. The doctor nicely asked if I would like to empty a little out before the procedure to make it more comfortable. I kindly told him that I would not be able to stop once I started so he better hurry. He thought I was funny! I didn't think he was funny. The first part was just like a pap so not a big deal but then they started pushing on my bladder. That was just cruel if you ask me. I think the doctor was getting a little worried when I kept telling him to hurry. Finally the nurse says "all done" as she pulling me upright and wrapping the gown around me. She knew it was getting critical. She rushed me down the hall to the bathroom and wouldn't you know it, it was occupied! I almost cried right there in the hall. Thankfully the nurse was a little more together than I was and quickly dragged me around the corner to another bathroom. Ah blessed relief!! The next procedure hurt like hell.

Let me spell this out for you. The first procedure was a trial transfer. It basically enabled the doctor to see how fast and easy he could implant an embryo into my uterus. Everything went smoothly. Yay God!! The second procedure was, I don't know the name, but he needed to look at the interior walls of my uterus. Ouch! First of all he put saline solution in my uterus. My uterus didn't like it apparently because I immediately got cramps. Ugh. Then the doctor tried to insert a camera all the way into my uterus. I did warn you that this might get graphic. I'm laying there watching this on the monitor (in color mind you) and thinking, gross! Todd on the other hand thought it was cool. Yes for all of you doubters out there, my husband was there with me and I didn't even make him go. He volunteered. I don't think he'll do that again. :) Anyway, I digress. So the doctor is trying to get from the cervix to the uterus and he keeps getting stuck in the middle. Finally he figures out that there is a 90 degree corner that the camera thingy can't seem to get around. He gets the bright idea to straighten said corner so to make it easier for the camera to get through. Not a good plan!!! Oh My Goodness!! That hurt! I even cried a little which greatly alarmed my husband, but the nice part of dr.s plan was that the cramping eased a lot when he did that. Transferring one pain for another not my idea of a good time. Well the good news was everything looked good. I still say gross. This is the point when the doctor reads my chart and discovers that he forgot to do something during the first procedure. Up I go and we all trek back to the first room so he can do an ultrasound from the inside. He had to look at my ovaries and make sure they are working properly. Thankfully my bladder was full again!!! I'm telling you, me and water have a love hate relationship. Again, good news was that everything is working properly and looks healthy. Yay God!!

This whole thing really released me from some fears that I had been harboring for years. What if the reason we can't get pregnant had nothing to do with Todd? What if something is wrong with my baby maker? What if, What if, What if?????? Just this week in our home group we were challenged to change our negative what if's to positive what if's. Coincidence?! I think not. I used that teaching all week and I know I will use it though-out this journey. The conclusion to this weeks appointment was that we are definitely going through with this. The nice lady from the phone was there and explained our calender to us. She also explained all the medication I would be taking and the cost. Bless her, she even gave us some donated meds that saved us $200.00. I have to say that I really love all the people I have had to deal with so far in this office. They are so nice and calm and willing to work with us.

That's all I have for now, Love to you all...

A miracle!

There has been a miracle in our house! No joke Todd is the only man in history that gets better with age. His sperm count has gone UP!! When we originally had a semen analysis done in '98 he had one viable sperm. The poor little guy was lonely. Well as of this month he has 600,000. If that's not a miracle I don't know what is. :)

Todd recently got up in front of our whole church and shared a little of his history. He spoke of getting shot and what the doctors spoke over him. See my last blog post if you don't know what I'm talking about. He laid it all out there for everyone to see, so to speak. He asked for prayer for us as we begin our IVF journey. I was amazed by the response we got. We belong to a great tribe of people let me tell you. Such support!! I will need it in the coming months I'm sure. One thing I want to clarify, the last time we went to the fertility clinic, Todd had an extensive exam. They were looking for reasons why his sperm count would be so low. They couldn't find any. There were no blockages or missing pieces. Everything looked healthy and in working order. I firmly believe that the reason is spiritual. Something happens when we speak negative (or positive) things over other people or even ourselves. It is a scientific fact that positive self talk has a physical response in ourselves and others. So why wouldn't negative talk. I believe that something in the spirit realm is released by our words. I'm going to leave it at that because I really don't want to preach or even start a debate about this. We have started speaking increase over Todd's sperm and it worked!

So that was an encouraging start to our journey. We will be beginning the process in December which means that we will be implanting in January. It's a little (or a lot) scary to think about all that I have to go through in this. I would really like your prayers for the next few months. The hardest part of all of this is, where is the money coming from?! This procedure is not cheap and not one part of it is covered by insurance. So to speak plainly, we have to come up with about $12,000.00 by January. It's November. God help us!! For me this is where faith comes in. I'm so scared that Todd will freak out about the money and want to quit half way through. He hasn't even hinted that he will be that way but, it's a weak point for me. He keeps telling me how excited he is that we are actually going through with it this time and yet I doubt. I don't think this has anything to do with Todd but it's a weak point of mine that Satan is poking at.

Well that is all I have for now, I will post another in a couple days as I have had a doctors appointment to share about. Love to you all...