Conclusion

Well it has been a few months since my last post and Todd thought I should let you all know the conclusion of the IVF treatment. In my last post I told you that I still needed to go to a follow up appointment with the Dr. where he would let us know what went wrong, beyond the obvious. I dreaded the appointment. I really didn't want to know what went wrong, after all ignorance is bliss.

So what we were told is this: my body did not respond to the medication like they wanted. They had started our treatments with a really aggressive approach hoping that it would work the first time because of our age and how long we have been trying. Unfortunately they couldn't increase the doses to do another round, they had gone as high as they could. The dr. also believes that I may be well within an 8 year window before starting menopause. This greatly effects egg production and health. I don't know if I believe this or not. I'm not entirely convinced that my ovaries have been working properly for several years. There is no way to know for sure either way. He did give us a few options to discuss and pray about:

Option #1: Adoption (conventional private or state (foster system))
Option #2: Embryo Adoption
Option #3: IVF with Egg Donor & Todd's little guys
Option #4: IUI with Egg Donor & Little Guy Donor (inter-uterine Insemination)
Option #5: Nothing at all.

We've thought, talked, and prayed about this for the last couple of months and we still don't know what to do. We don't have the money for options 1, 3, or 4. Option #2 is considerably less but Todd's not really sure about that and option #5 is so not what we want to do, given the choice. I really don't know what to do at this point so until we can agree on a course of action we will wait. Please keep praying for us because all of this is really hard to deal with and we could use the help. Love to you all....

The end.....

Well my friends our race has been run and sadly we did not win. Friday we had a bloodtest and the results came back negative. It was a crushing blow for both of us but maybe a little more for me since all the procedures were done on me. I'm trying really hard not to focus on what I don't have but on what I do have. I have a fabulous husband who is super supportive, I have the best mother and step-father who love me, I have a great family and friends, I have three dogs and two cats to cuddle and cry with, but most of all I have loving heavenly father who never let's me down. I may not ever know why this didn't work but he does.

We don't know where we are going from here but we will keep you posted. We are supposed to meet the dr. at some point but I haven't made the appointment yet. Hopefully he will have some insight on what went wrong but who knows. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement we couldn't have done this without you. Love to you all.....

Headed down the straight stretch...

So the retrieval was Friday. The doctor was able to retrieve 7 total eggs, of those 5 were mature, of those 4 were successfully fertilized. This whole process had me a bit worried. We had to be at the office an hour early (8:00 in the AM!) and I was hooked up to an IV right away. The lady who gave me drugs was really nice and did a good job putting me at ease, it helped that she slipped something into the IV line. :) As this was my first time being "put under" I wasn't sure what to expect. I made sure to tell them that I DID NOT want to get sick afterwards so she was nice enough to prevent that. Once I laid down on the table and had the oxygen mask on I was ready for whatever. That was my last memory till they woke me up. They gave me some pain meds and sent me home. My mom got to our house about the same time we did and she has taken care of me while I recuperated. I love my mom!!!

Tomorrow is the big day! I have been struggling not to feel disappointed in the number of eggs because the more eggs you have the more chances you have. I think it's a trust issue. I have been so wanting a family and every time something falls through my trust has taken a hit. I know in my head that God is faithful and trustworthy but my heart has taken a beating in recent years. Be clear on this issue, the problem is with me and I know this. God has been gently prying my fingers off this dream of mine and I'm making progress. Stuff like this just brings it back a little bit. I have to leave this in his hands and I am, whatever happens. :)

So all that to say, keep praying for us and we'll keep you posted. Love to you all...

Around the last bend!

Well we are headed for the finish line. Went in this morning, at 7:45 mind you, and had an ultrasound done. I had to get up EARlY! I hate mornings and don't do well when I have to be active before 8:00 in the AM. Thankfully the doctor was nice and efficient and got the job done quickly. It hurt like HELL! Yes that's my phrase of the month and you're just going to have to deal with it. :) The results of the ultrasound are that I have 8 or 9 viable follicles which hopefully have produced good healthy eggs. Ideally I should have 8 or 9 in each ovary but my left one is just not pulling it's weight. Slacker! The good news is that my uterous looks lovely. We are definitely on schedule for retrieval on Friday and embryo transfer on Monday. It's hard to believe that we are really this close to the end. Keep praying for us as the next few days are going to be stressful, good but stressful. :)

Well that's all I got for now! Love to you all...

On the road again....

Well I had my second ultrasound today. This one was to make sure the shots I'm taking are working. Most everything looked good but... it seems my left ovary is not cooperating. The right one has about 8 follicles producing eggs which is exactly what it's supposed to be doing. Dr. Austen wasn't sure if there was a problem with the ovary or he just couldn't see it very well. Please pray with us that the left ovary kicks it into hyper drive and starts producing. I'm trying really hard not to worry about this but it's hard. I go back in on Monday to have another ultrasound just to make sure it's working. Even if it isn't the doctor assures me that we are still ok with our plan. :)

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has been reading this and praying for and with us. It helps more than I can say to know we have such a large support group. I love you all and will keep you updated. Have a wonderful day! :)

And we're off!

Well it's now a race to the finish line. There is about 14 days left before the implant date. I'm starting to get excited and a little scared. Last week I took my mom to a doctors appt where I was to learn how to mix and prepare my next set of shots. It was nice having her there because she thinks like me and asked the questions I would later have asked myself. She was amazed by all the information I need to know to do this. I've been studying this procedure for several years so I'm a little more aware of what's coming next. I was not aware of how it would feel to give myself shots. It hurts like hell! Sorry but it's true. The first shot wasn't all that bad, it's much like an insulin shot. The shots I started this week are much worse and it's only the first day. Some of the pleasantness I can expect is a rash, soreness at the injection, swelling of ovaries and again soreness. The nurse suggested I buy some sweats or yoga pants that have a soft loose waistband. So I will be visiting Ross this week and if anyone knows of a good buy on said articles of clothing please leave me a comment. On an up note, the ultrasound I had on Sunday confirmed everything is going as planned. Yay!

We are still trying to come up with the rest of the money. We have paid for about half so far so progress has been made. Praise God!!! We are still needing a lot of prayer as well. The stress is really getting to both of us but especially Todd. He is struggling with work and getting jobs in to pay the bills as well as coming up with cash options to pay for baby stuff. Please keep praying for Gods provision for us. Many of you know that I lost my job right before Christmas but the good news is that I can get unemployment. Enough about money woes...

Did everyone have a good Christmas and New years? We did! Todd surprised my mom and I with opera tickets and I surprised him with hockey tickets. Thursday we went to La Boheme and had a fabulous time. It was our first opera and I will go again. :) Friday we took off and went to Portland for sushi and Winterhawks. The game started late since it was new years eve and it was so much fun. I love hockey! All that testosterone on ice leads to some great fights. I know I'm a little bloodthirsty but come on it's hockey! We stayed with my cousins in Portland and played games until 4 am. Oh I was so tired the next day. The beautiful part of my gift to Todd was that it only cost us the price of fuel to get there. Isn't that amazing!! (Thank you again Don & Victoria!) Well that's how our year started. The next month will bring (hopefully) many changes to our world but until we get there we'll keep plugging away here. Just doing what we do.... That's all I got for now, love to you all.

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! This is a year of change, I believe. It's started already since I lost my job yesterday. I'm hoping that I can see the positive in this pretty soon but right now it's not real apparent.

I started the injections this week as well. Its kinda trippy to give yourself a shot in the stomach. :) It feels so unnatural. I have noticed a difference in my emotions especially since I started them also I'm achy and I usually get a headache every afternoon. I'm told this is all normal. Yippee for me.... Next week I go in for training on how to give myself the next set of injections. That's freaking me out a little since I got directions over the phone for the ones I'm doing now but I have to take a class for the HCG injections. How bad are these things??

We are still struggling financially but we have seen some miraculous things there too. Todd found a transmission in the loft of his building that he paid $50 for and was able to sell it for $1500. It was amazing!! We also had a friend loan us the money we needed for the IVF though Todd is trying to sell as much as he can so we don't have to borrow the whole amount. There has been some great breakthrough for Todd in being able to let stuff go and we are learning to trust in a whole new way because of it. God is doing amazing things in our little family but with change there is always a little pain. I'm working through that part now and hope that it's done soon. :)

Well I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year! Things are going to start happening a lot faster after the first of the year so I will be blogging more often. Much love to you all,

Nikki Miller